


Draco Malfoy and the Great British Baking Show (Baking)

by sunnywithclouds



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Great British Bake Off RPF
Genre: I am so sorry, M/M, SO SORRY, This is such total crack ridiculousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-31 19:23:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21150926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnywithclouds/pseuds/sunnywithclouds
Summary: A SUMMARY of this absolutely ridiculous piece of writing???Okay.This fic is because today's Fictober writing prompt is 'Baking'.  And what else would any sane person do but write Draco Malfoy entering the Great British Baking Show competition.  Because that is what popped into my head and refused to leave.It took 3 mint oreos, 1 piece of cake, 4 mugs of tea and 2 cheese strings to actually finish this.It's poorly written.  It's too long.  It's baaaaarely proof read.  It is absolute NONSENSE.  But I finished the prompt for the day so I consider it a win.  ;)---------Along with Inktober, it is Fictober! Following a prompt list from Tumblr I'm going to write short fics based around those prompts. A friend doing the same is titling each fic with the prompt so I'm totally copying that. ;)--------





	Draco Malfoy and the Great British Baking Show (Baking)

_On your marks! Get set! BAKE!_

Everyone around Draco burst into action immediately. He looked around, watching everyone at different benches dumping ingredients into bowls. 

Mixers whirred to life.

Ovens beeped as they were turned on.

People ran up and down between the benches.

Fridges opened and closed.

And he stood there frozen, suddenly realizing that with a camera crew, a mass of other people, two hosts and two judges roaming around, it was going to be a LOT harder to cheat and magic his way to success. Doing it to GET to the competition was easy, but now maintaining it was... going to be more than tricky.

_SIX MONTHS EARLIER_

"There is absolutely NO way you could do that." Harry said, giving Draco a shove over on the couch so there was room for him and the massive bowl of popcorn he was carrying to flop down next to the other man. "You couldn't even boil water for tea."

"I absolutely could. I didn't say I would actually bake, like for real. I just said I could make these things." Draco gestured at the tv screen, scooping up a handful of popcorn as he brought his hand back.

They were watching 'The Great British Baking Show', something that had become a bit of an evening ritual whenever both of them had a night free to spend together. Draco, over the past few weeks, had started to get more vocal about his belief that he could absolutely be a contestant on the show and win.

"So you're saying you could win. So long as you could cheat." Harry tilted his head as he looked at Draco.

"I'm not saying I'd CHEAT, I'm talking about using magic. Which can't be cheating because it's a natural ability and isn't my fault that the other contestants are Muggles." He tossed a piece of popcorn at Harry, snickering when it stuck in his hair.

"I don't think you could. Not even with magic." Harry said with a shrug, picking the popcorn out of his hair and tossing it onto the floor for the cat to bat around. 

"I thought boyfriends were supposed to be supportive." Draco said, pretending to look offended. "You should be encouraging me."

"Boyfriends are also supposed to stop you from making an absolute ass of yourself on what's now an internationally loved television show. Which is what would happen if you ever got chosen as a contestant. Which you wouldn't, there is no way you'd even be selected to audition."

"Want to bet?" Draco asked, leaning over a bit and sticking his hand out to Harry, raising both eyebrows.

Harry watched him for a moment, his eyes narrowing as he smirked. "You're serious. No... You're joking."

"I'm not joking." Draco said, pushing his hand further towards the other man. "Bet me I won't make it onto the show and win."

"And WIN?" Harry scoffed, then laughed and shoved his hand into Draco's. "Fine. I bet that you won't. And I'll even help you with your audition tape..."

_PRESENT DAY_

He had to do.. well.. SOMEthing soon, or everyone would notice that he was just standing there like an idiot. He had learned the basics of the Muggle baking.. machine things... before his audition tape. Harry pointed out that he needed to because it was about the baking. And as impressive as Muggles would find his 'special magic tricks' that made it look like he was conjuring food out of thin air, it wouldn't be enough to get him a spot. He had to look like he was baking, even if he wasn't.

He started pulling his ingredients towards him, sorting through them as he tried to remember everything he was supposed to do. It was 'Cake Week', as he was pretty sure it always was in the first week of each season. He was making a cherry cake shaped like a cauldron with... something inside of it.

Chocolate?

Chocolate... Ganache? He thought that was what it was supposed to be. Merlin, it was hard to think with so much going on. 

He started measuring, even though it didn't matter what he did with everything since whatever he did would be corrected as soon as he could get his wand out. Flour, milk, eggs...

Oh dammit, he was supposed to crack the eggs first. Only the insides went into cooking. He peered into the mixing bowl as the beaters whirled, watching the eggs bump around whole within the mixture.

He was going to have to fish them out. Ugh. That was gross and...

"Have you put your eggs in shell and all?" 

Draco jerked his head up and looked into the genial, grinning face of one of the hosts. Noel. His name was Noel. He knew that! He blinked a smile onto his face and laughed, bumping the heel of his hand against his forehead, miming being an absolute dunce.

"I don't know what happened." He said, shaking his head and getting a spoon to try and fish the eggs out. "Honestly just being here... It's so much more full on than you expect it to be."

"No worries." Noel said, smiling even more and patting him on the back. "I'm sure Paul likes a little roughage anyways. He's got that look, doesn't he?"

Paul? Oh Paul Hollywood. The judge. One of the judges, anyways. Get it together Draco, you know who that is.

He let out a long low breath as Noel walked away, getting the eggs out of his batter and just throwing them away. It was a waste but he didn't want to actually touch them. He fumbled a bit cracking the next eggs but they all got into the batter alright.

"Hello, Draco is it?" 

More people, two of them, at his bench. Smiling at him. The fucking judges, Prue and Paul, right there in front of him. He turned on his smile again, trying to look charming and a bit harried.

It wasn't a stretch to look harried. But this was the tough part. It was one thing to magically make the things he wanted, even if that was going to be tricky. Faking out two people who had made a life out of baking was going to be harder.

"That's right." He said, not thinking and sticking his spoon into the bowl to mix his batter, forgetting that the beaters were on.. "Dammit. Oh..." He hissed as the spoon caught between the beaters and pulled from his grip, clanging around in the bowl like some sort of discordant percussion.

He fumbled around the mixer, turning it off as he felt hot red creep up from under his collar over the back of his neck and into his ears. "Nerves." He said, still trying to smile at the judges who were looking at him very oddly. "So good to see you Paul and Prue."

"Yes..." Paul said, his brow creasing slightly in that 'I'm not sure what I'm looking at' sort of way he got when he didn't like what a baker was doing.

"What an interesting name you have." Prue said, all smiles and ready to bridge the gap between the bakers and Paul.

Merlin he _loved_ Prue right then.

"It's a family name." Draco said, pulling the spoon out of the mixing bowl with a bit of effort. "It is a little old fashioned."

"It's lovely." Prue said, resting her hands on the counter and looking over Draco's ingredients. "And what are you making for us today?"

"Cherry cake in the shape of a cauldron." He mimed the shape with his hands, then reached for the chocolate sitting nearby. "Chocolate ganache in the cauldron itself."

"Sounds... Messy." Paul said, one eyebrow lifting slightly.

Merlin he _hated_ Paul right then.

"I think it sounds delightful." Prue said with a smile and a wink to Draco. "Certainly ambitious as a signature bake. I can't wait to see what you do, Draco."

Draco held his breath as they headed for the next bench. Paul kept his eyes on him as he walked away, looking at him more than a little suspiciously.

Smarmy git.

He started watching the room, watching the hosts and the judges as well as the contestants. He turned his mixer back on and slipped his wand out from where it was stuck in the front of his jeans under his apron. He kept it down under the counter where it couldn't be seen as he moved to stand directly in front of the mixer. When he thought it was safe enough he flicked his wand at the bowl, then shoved it back under his apron. He watched as the lumpy, goopy and disgusting mixture in the bowl immediately smoothed out into a creamy and perfect batter.

Letting out a small sigh of relief he moved away from the mixer and picked up a knife and his cherries to chop.

He never thought he'd have to learn non-verbal spells to BAKE.

He also never thought he would have spent the past two weeks before the baking show started learning how to chop cherries.

Both he and Harry had agreed that he needed to do some things on his own in order to not only look more realistic, but to waste some time as well. If he spent the whole of each challenge mucking around and just using his wand, there would be a lot of time he'd be on camera doing a bunch of nothing. Which would look weird, to say the least.

He roughly chopped the cherries into pieces, turning the cutting board around as Harry had shown him, cutting them again until the pieces were about the same size. That was what mattered, Harry had said. Getting them the right size so they wouldn't all sink in the cake.

Not that it really did matter, his cake was going to be MAGICALLY perfect at the end no matter how he did this.

But Harry had insisted. Aside from some snide remarks at the start and continued disbelief that Draco would even have a chance at getting on the show, Harry HAD become a great deal of help and a wealth of information. Both from his days spent doing everything the Muggle way at his Aunt and Uncles house, and the incredible instruction imparted to him from Mrs Weasley.

He finished with the cherries, tipping them into the bowl and letting them mix while he prepared his baking pans. He carefully cut parchment paper by hand to line them, then poured an equal amount of batter into all four of them. He slid the full pans into the oven and closed the door, carefully sliding his wand out again to tap the oven with, springing it to life magically to take care of baking his cakes.

He got his cakes back out again when it was time, managing through two more conversations with Noel and one with him and Sandi both. He set to work trying to carefully alternate between using his wand and the rest of his knowledge to get his cake assembled. The worst was the fondant. There was no spell to smooth it all at once, he had to mime like he was doing it himself with the paddle thing all while the wrinkles and cuts and pieces shifted and moved and settled themselves magically. It was a wonder he didn't get caught at that since a few people were near done and conversations had broken out around him.

He picked up the pot of chocolate ganache he'd made... Well... He'd dumped the chocolate into the pot and when it was all melted (and honestly smelled a little burnt) he poked his wand at the side of it, which instantly turned it into perfect ganache... But he'd MADE it, all the same. Pouring it into the cauldron, he breathed a sigh of relief, putting the pot down and moving the cake carefully to the edge of his bench.

Judging was fun. And he had a chance then to talk to some of the other contestants. Without having to find a way to make it look like he was baking when he wasn't, it was all a lot more relaxed.

But there was something fluttering in his stomach as Paul and Prue walked to his bench, the look on Paul's face turned from smarmy and self satisfied to more than a little surprised when he saw the visually flawless and perfect cake, his eyebrows shooting upwards.

That was satisfying, at least.

"Scrumptious." Prue pronounced it as she tasted it, shaking her head with a smile, going in for another bite. "Remarkable."

"I have to say, I'm surprised." Paul said, having tasted Draco's cake and nodded over it. "It's beautifully done." He didn't offer any criticism or any other compliments or thoughts past that. He did, however, give Draco another suspicious look as he walked away.

After a short break, they all regrouped in the cleaned up tent for the first Technical Bake. He and Harry had experimented with this, since no one could prepare in advance for the Technical. They weren't sure, at first, if Draco would have to know what something was supposed to look like in order for the magic to work.

It turned out, luckily, it didn't. He had the name of what he was making and he had the ingredients in front of him. Somehow, no matter HOW simplified and pointless Harry had devised a pretend technical exercise, the ingredients all knew exactly what they were supposed to do.

It was easier, this round. There were no judges in the tent, and no one really knew what they were doing. So Draco was free to flounder around and be as messy and pointless as he wanted to be, pretending absolute despair for the people around him.

Then pretending to have a magical moment of clarity while the camera was trained on him. "I think.." He said, leaning towards the camera a bit, smiling. "I think I might know what to do..."

From there he used his wand a few times, getting things to the way they were supposed to be before putting it in the oven.

Decorating was a breeze, he did a couple with magic to see what they were supposed to look like, then did a few more, carefully undoing a couple of the perfect flourishes and things, knowing that he couldn't be spot on perfect, not the first week and not every week, and messing up in the finishing touches was easy. And actually kind of fun.

He came first in the technical, clapping politely for everyone else around him and accepting a side hug from the woman next to him who had come second. "Brilliant." She whispered to him, giving him a squeeze. "Just brilliant, young man like you doing so well."

\----------------------

"So how did it go?" Harry asked, flopping down onto the hotel bed next to Draco. 

They were in the overnight before the second day of filming for the Show-Stopper, Harry had apparated to him after he was done work for the day.

"Fine." Draco said, then laughed at the look of 'yeah right' on Harry's face. "Alright it was pretty stressful. It was harder to use magic without being seen when there were people everywhere and judges and the hosts and cameras. I know that no one would know what I was doing with my wand if they saw me with it, but still..."

"Definitely don't want to get caught with it. I do NOT want to have to go and Obliterate an entire cast and film crew because you got caught using magic on the Great British Baking Show.

Draco picked up a pillow and smacked Harry with it, making the other man laugh. "I won't get caught, you know I won't."

"I know you won't mean to and will do everything you can not to, but you can't predict everyone else's movements around you to ensure that completely."

"Well..." Draco frowned, knowing Harry was right.

"Just be careful." Harry turned onto his side, facing Draco and smiling at him. "So Show-Stopper tomorrow. What is it you're doing..?"

\----------------------

"The bottom tier is a french toast inspired cake, the middle is two half layers of raspberry with cream between them and the top tied is a coffee cake flavour."

Paul looked at him like he'd turned in a newt. Like he'd grown two extra heads. 

"Say that again?" He said, leaning forward a bit towards Draco with that horrible, incredulous look on his face.

"French toast, raspberry and cream and coffee cake." Draco repeated, slightly more deadpan as he looked at Paul levelly. 

"And you like that for a wedding cake?"

"I like to be original." Draco corrected Paul, his chin lifting a bit. 

"Well... Good luck then." Paul said, with a little shake of his head as he turned away.

"Don't listen to him." Prue said with her warm smile turned towards him. "I think it sounds a treat. Something totally different. Who's to say it wouldn't make a good wedding cake when all together. The flavours sound beautifully cohesive."

Draco thawed a little after that, setting to work as Prue left towards the next contestant where Paul was waiting. Or at least, he made it look like he was setting to work.

He recreated what he'd done yesterday, but three times over for his different layers of cake. Dumping things into bowls, then using his wand to make them right. Putting them into pans and tapping the oven so it cooked them perfectly.

He was turning his coffee cake carefully out of the pan when he looked up and caught the eye of the woman who'd hugged him yesterday. She smiled at him and turned more towards his bench.

"Paul looked like he was going to implode when he walked away from you." She said with a laugh. "Oh I wish I could put that sort of look on his face."

Draco laughed with her, putting the pan down and wiping his hand on a tea towel. "I don't even mean to, I think he just doesn't like me."

"You've proved his assumptions about you wrong twice yesterday, he's shaken on his pedestal." The woman winked at him then turned back to her bench when her oven beeped.

He tapped each cake carefully to make them instantly cool enough to work with, and tapped the raspberry one an extra time so it would cut itself perfectly in half. He worked carefully and slowly to assemble the cake as much as he could without magic, but he did give the towering structure a gentle poke to straighten it up and solidify its supports once he was done putting it together.

He'd wanted to make it without supports, thinking that would be top notch and impressive, but Harry told him there was no way a muggle cake that size could hold itself up naturally. So he did what everyone else did and just.. fortified it a bit with magic.

Decorating was fun again, he found he enjoyed that a great deal, even if it was once again a tricky business to make his fondant and icing look like it was smoothing on naturally.

He 'made' sugar crystals that looked like natural formed gemstone points in different blues and purples, creating a swirl of them from the top of the cake down to the bottom. He methodically placed one by hand and a careful incantation put a few more where he was leaning in so it never showed that they seemed to grow onto the cake.

When he was done he took a step back to look at the massive, glittering cake. He'd done the fondant and icing in a creamy off-white, careful piping from his concealed wand had created icicle like drips and daubs that were artistic, especially when paired with the swirl of glittering coloured sugar crystals.

Not too bad...

He needed Noel's help to carry it up to the front of the room when it was his turn to be judged, setting it carefully onto the table in front of Prue and Paul.

The former clapped her hands together and smiled in absolute delight.

The latter raised both eyebrows as he looked at the cake and then to Draco. "Well, it looks neat. Good presentation. I like your colour palette. But how does it taste..."

It took every ounce of strength Draco had not to roll his eyes at Paul as he seemed to relish taking the knife to cut down through the layers of his cake, immediately undoing the perfect work he'd done.

Ass.

Prue pronounced every layer superb, she liked how the flavours worked together, thought it genius that the raspberry was in the middle and so refreshing and not too sweet between the french toast flavoured layer and the coffee cake.

"It's actually not half bad." Paul said as though he couldn't believe he had to say those words at all. "You've got a perfect bake, your flavours are spot on. I'm not sure I like a coffee cake as a wedding cake but it does all work together. Good effort."

Draco gave Paul a tight smile, then got some help bringing his cake back to his bench, watching the rest of his competitors take their turns as well.

There was a a few cakes that absolutely rivalled his in appearance, and a few more that were definitely better flavour choices and combination. He was making some mental notes as they went through, things he liked the idea of and things that sounded good. He listened to what the judges said (Prue more than Paul, to be honest) and took it all into consideration as well. 

Even if he was using magic to put things together, he still had to think up good combinations and decorating ideas.

They all sat in a line at the end of the judging, they'd had a break while the judges filmed their separate discussion with Sandy and Noel, talking about who had done well and was in line for Star Baker, and those who hadn't done well and were in danger of going home.

"This week, our first week, I get the pleasure of naming the first Star Baker." Noel said, absolutely beaming in front of them. "And it goes to someone who's possibly made Paul's eyebrows shoot clear off his face more than once this weekend. This week's Star Baker is.... Draco."

He couldn't help but laugh, rubbing a hand against his forehead as the others clapped for him and he was once again side hugged by the same friendly lady. He knew he'd done well, but he was still quite taken aback that he'd made Star Baker. 

Feck. They'd want to record him calling Harry to tell him the news. He hoped he'd practiced enough with the cell phone to make it look like he used it all the time. 

Harry, thankfully, had prepared him for every possible Muggle contingency.

"Well done, Draco." Paul said, his voice without inflection as he shook his hand. The smile on his face didn't reach his eyes and it made Draco dislike him even more.

They were saying their hugging goodbyes to the person leaving, congratulating each other if they were staying for another week, and receiving the proper praises or suggestions and guidance from the judges.

"Thank you, Paul." Draco said with an equally unenthused smile, shaking Paul's hand in return but letting go of it quickly. 

He turned his back to the judge, muttering to himself. Already he was planning his bakes for next week, and thinking it would be an absolute pleasure to keep forcing Paul to grudgingly praise him for his performance.


End file.
